theoriginalblurker (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
theoriginalblurker) wrote2005-11-22 02:36 pm
theoriginalblurker) wrote2005-11-22 02:36 pm
Butterflies in the Stomach? Try Pepto.
There is a period of time during a new romantic relationship when everything is heart-poundingly exciting. Does she like me as much as I like her? Will he ask me out? When will we kiss? Will she be a good kisser? Will he want to do more? Will my parents walk in on us? (ok, that one was a little dated)
Once the relationship becomes more "established," whether it now be a marriage, or any other long-term contract where there is no longer any question about the nature of the romance, something is certainly lost. There will never again be that nervous feeling in the stomach that comes from the unknown. You each know exactly how the other looks without clothes. You know their likes and dislikes, both in food and in sex. The blush is off the rose, to use an old cliché.
I suspect that there are many people who are addicted to that rush of adrenaline that comes with unknown romantic territory. They believe that this feeling is what it means to be in love with another person. Once that feeling has faded, they must no longer be in love, so they go looking for another territory. I don't mean to imply that this is the only reason for people to be unfaithful in their relationships, but I think it is a factor in many cases.
So, after a while we lose that rush of adrenaline, but what do we get in return? Ignore for a moment the security of any children that have come from the relationship, and just concentrate on the idea of romantic love. What do we get from the established relationship? And is one "better" than the other?
I have some ideas on this subject, but I'm interested in hearing other's opinions before I blather on (any more than I've already done).
Once the relationship becomes more "established," whether it now be a marriage, or any other long-term contract where there is no longer any question about the nature of the romance, something is certainly lost. There will never again be that nervous feeling in the stomach that comes from the unknown. You each know exactly how the other looks without clothes. You know their likes and dislikes, both in food and in sex. The blush is off the rose, to use an old cliché.
I suspect that there are many people who are addicted to that rush of adrenaline that comes with unknown romantic territory. They believe that this feeling is what it means to be in love with another person. Once that feeling has faded, they must no longer be in love, so they go looking for another territory. I don't mean to imply that this is the only reason for people to be unfaithful in their relationships, but I think it is a factor in many cases.
So, after a while we lose that rush of adrenaline, but what do we get in return? Ignore for a moment the security of any children that have come from the relationship, and just concentrate on the idea of romantic love. What do we get from the established relationship? And is one "better" than the other?
I have some ideas on this subject, but I'm interested in hearing other's opinions before I blather on (any more than I've already done).
no subject
In the poly world, that dizzying rush that you get with a new lover is called New Relationship Energy (abbreviated NRE), and there are not a few polyfolk who have never-ending chains of secondaries because they chase after the next bout of NRE like a junkie seeking a fix. Often they don't really ever break up with the secondaries; they just stop having much sex after a while and become (or go back to) being friends with occasional "extras."
Me, I hate it. It makes me feel sick, literally. I don't think it's possible to have real emotional intimacy when you and the other person are chemically addicted to each other. And that's exactly what NRE is - a cascade of hormones that make you crave the other person and reward you when you're with them. It's the carrot your genes are tempting you with.
After you get over that, though, the chemicals change to something much less mind-altering. You still get a change in neurochemistry with your beloved, but it's a mild tranquilizer, warm-fuzzy-feeling. (From the genes' POV, this is to keep you both together long enough to raise your children to the stage where they can scrounge up food on their own. They don't care that you can be in this stage with one person (or many) and in NRE with someone else (or several other people, or "the whole Fifth Fleet," as one particularly enthusiastic person once said)). Since this messes with your head less, this is, for me, the point where you can actually develop something approaching intimacy, get into each other's headspaces and find out who you are together. The sex also is much better once you know where each other's turn-ons are, and while you can get to that space in NRE, it's easier when you've calmed down and can think and feel correctly instead of effervesce.
Then again, I hate having my neurochemistry altered without my permission, so maybe that's just me.
no subject
That's an excellent point! I know there is a sense of security and a closer bond, but I hadn't thought about the neurochemistry aspect of the long-term relationship. The chemical changes are very apparent in a new relationship.
I'll need to ponder this.