Butterflies in the Stomach? Try Pepto.

[theoriginalblurker]

There is a period of time during a new romantic relationship when everything is heart-poundingly exciting.  Does she like me as much as I like her?  Will he ask me out?  When will we kiss?  Will she be a good kisser?  Will he want to do more?  Will my parents walk in on us?  (ok, that one was a little dated)

Once the relationship becomes more "established," whether it now be a marriage, or any other long-term contract where there is no longer any question about the nature of the romance, something is certainly lost.  There will never again be that nervous feeling in the stomach that comes from the unknown.  You each know exactly how the other looks without clothes.  You know their likes and dislikes, both in food and in sex.  The blush is off the rose, to use an old cliché. 

I suspect that there are many people who are addicted to that rush of adrenaline that comes with unknown romantic territory.  They believe that this feeling is what it means to be in love with another person.  Once that feeling has faded, they must no longer be in love, so they go looking for another territory.  I don't mean to imply that this is the only reason for people to be unfaithful in their relationships, but I think it is a factor in many cases.

So, after a while we lose that rush of adrenaline, but what do we get in return?  Ignore for a moment the security of any children that have come from the relationship, and just concentrate on the idea of romantic love.  What do we get from the established relationship?  And is one "better" than the other?

I have some ideas on this subject, but I'm interested in hearing other's opinions before I blather on (any more than I've already done).

Comments

[la-directora.livejournal.com]

Warning: Your subject is one that touches a nerve with me, as it was a major factor in my divorce. (My husband's logic for being "entitled" to have other relationships was partly based on, "But I miss that exciting feeling of newness...") So my opinions may be strongly stated. :)

First of all, I do agree that the early excitement is fun, and that the feeling of anticipation is part of what makes the early stages of falling in love so exciting. But that feeling would not, in my opinion, feel good if it went on forever. Eventually it is replaced by something much more important - a sense of trust, a sense of faith, a sense of security. There is something even MORE exciting, in my opinion, about knowing that the person you wake up next to will be there when you wake up again tomorrow. There is something exciting about knowing that your partner knows you so well that they can surprise you with a small token or small romantic act, the meaning of which is only clear to the two of you. There is something exciting about being in a room full of people, and sharing one glance that speaks volumes to the two of you, but means nothing to anyone else, because you have come to know each other so well.

I personally think that needing that sense of adrenaline rushing in order to feel really "in love" and using that as an excuse for being unfaithful is a cop out, and a sign of someone who can't handle REAL love and commitment. I almost equate it to someone who has such a need for excitement that they'd rather engage in risky behavior - like drug use, dangerous driving, etc. - than live a "normal" life.

I also think it's a cop out because there is no reason an established relationship can't stay exciting. Sure, it takes effort, but the effort is, in my opinion, rewarded by finding yourself in a strong, stable relationship that provides you with a foundation of security for handling all of the other bullshit that life can throw at you. Being unwilling to make that effort, and then complaining at the result of the relationship that isn't tended to, is self-defeating, in my opinion.

Of course, if there is someone who really prefers the newness over the security, more power to them. I just don't think they should make the promises necessary to be married in the first place. Nothing wrong with living a lifestyle of dating lots of different people and always having something new and exciting. I just don't happen to think that lifestyle is compatible with marriage.

Okay, now I'LL stop blathering. :)

[follybard.livejournal.com]

So, after a while we lose that rush of adrenaline, but what do we get in return? Ignore for a moment the security of any children that have come from the relationship, and just concentrate on the idea of romantic love.

All right, I was with you until right there at the end. I'm not sure I even believe in "romantic love". This leads to a great deal of confusion and face-making when poor dear spouse brings up the idea of doing something "romantic". (Really, I'm like a ten-year-old boy about these things. My idea of showing my sweetie that I love him generally involves making him laugh so hard that his lungs become a choking hazard.)

So, I'll concentrate on the first part of your statement: what am I getting out of it that isn't the adrenaline rush? I'd say companionship, family, and lots and lots of laughter. Someone I feel comfortable around -- comfortable enough to be myself even when he makes fun of me, because I know he loves me anyway. Someone with whom I can share the absurdities of day-to-day life.

Is that "better" than the romantic rush of a new relationship? For me, yes -- because it means more. The benefits of a long-term relationship come because you've worked for it and you're committed to it, which means more to me than the thrill of "Oooh, what happens if I press this button?", y'know?

Hmm, I wonder how one's relative valuation of "thrill" vs "security" correlates with one's Myers-Briggs scores....

[rickj.livejournal.com]

I recall something from our pre-marriage counseling (something I'm glad we did or we'd have strangled each other ages ago ;> ), that one of the leading root causes of divource being upable to handle the loss of the "exciting" part of the relationship. Sure, it's fun and both of you have the new relationship smell.

But that feeling fades. It's exchanged for a level of comfort and security that's not possible during the New And Exciting time.

[nicoleallee.livejournal.com]

New relationships:
"High" of spending time with a new person
Trying new activities to see can you find shared interests
Fear of rejection - that love of the rush

Established relationships:
Someone to make you soup when you're sick
Warmth in your stomach, like the warmth of grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup on a cold, rainy day
Freedom to explore sexuality and new experiences without fear or shame
Sense of comfort akin to wallowing in a sunbeam

[omorka.livejournal.com]

New relationships are amphetamines. Mature relationships are opiates.

In the poly world, that dizzying rush that you get with a new lover is called New Relationship Energy (abbreviated NRE), and there are not a few polyfolk who have never-ending chains of secondaries because they chase after the next bout of NRE like a junkie seeking a fix. Often they don't really ever break up with the secondaries; they just stop having much sex after a while and become (or go back to) being friends with occasional "extras."

Me, I hate it. It makes me feel sick, literally. I don't think it's possible to have real emotional intimacy when you and the other person are chemically addicted to each other. And that's exactly what NRE is - a cascade of hormones that make you crave the other person and reward you when you're with them. It's the carrot your genes are tempting you with.

After you get over that, though, the chemicals change to something much less mind-altering. You still get a change in neurochemistry with your beloved, but it's a mild tranquilizer, warm-fuzzy-feeling. (From the genes' POV, this is to keep you both together long enough to raise your children to the stage where they can scrounge up food on their own. They don't care that you can be in this stage with one person (or many) and in NRE with someone else (or several other people, or "the whole Fifth Fleet," as one particularly enthusiastic person once said)). Since this messes with your head less, this is, for me, the point where you can actually develop something approaching intimacy, get into each other's headspaces and find out who you are together. The sex also is much better once you know where each other's turn-ons are, and while you can get to that space in NRE, it's easier when you've calmed down and can think and feel correctly instead of effervesce.

Then again, I hate having my neurochemistry altered without my permission, so maybe that's just me.

[drelmo.livejournal.com]

As a risk-averse person, to the point of paralysis in certain circumstances, I have to say that initial rush of uncertainty-fueled adrenaline is what I don't want; what I want to to jump straight to the casual familiarity and intimacy of a mature relationship.